March 23, 2016




Every year, around this time, freshmen, sophomores, and juniors begin campaigning for student council positions to be held the following school year. It's Crestview Academy's own version of primary season. Except, of course, at Crestview we do not have Democrats. We do not have Republicans. We have a much more exclusive party that is invitation only.  Yes for this club of the Rich and Entitled, uppercrust membership has its privileges. Fliers have already begun to go up on the walls, brownies are being passed around in the hallways (many are saying they are being imported from Portland and Colorado whatever that means), and promises are made willy nilly, and students are getting paid off handsomely for their votes. The faculty has taken the initiative to discuss the candidates up for election this season. Freshman computer hacker prodigy, Ethan Darnley, has hung posters around campus and sent out spam emails declaring “Either Ethan is treasurer next year or I'll find a way to drain your bank account without your permission."  We can’t speak for the student body, but the faculty finds this kind of appeal highly convincing. Sophomore twins, Loretta and Lynn Burnett are both running against each other for vice president. Each of their campaigns consists of posting unflattering pictures of the other in the bathrooms. And for the primo role of president, several junior candidates are engaged in fierce competition. One of the contenders, Leo Roccio, explains his strategy, “Just got to find a scandal. Or create one. I’m totally gonna win!”

—“Just got to find a scandal. Or create one. I’m totally gonna win!

-- Leo Roccio, Junior, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Fan Club President


If early polling of likely voters and number of retweets in the twittosphere are any indication of how elections will turn out, it seems the  picture posted of Loretta were way more modest than the scandalous sexy pictures of her twin Lynn. Loretta will most likely be out due to not revealing enough of her "self." But it still appears really close for Lynn as junior Lucas Braddock, who takes some pretty good selfies for a dude, may be calling for a brokered election at an upper school assembly. Ethan has also seemed to make a lot of headway with his threats as poor Leo just can't get any of his scandals of the other candidates to stick. The presidency will go to either Drusilla Rothdale or Devyn Hollingsworth. Now, this won't be Crestview’s first year with a female figurehead. Four years ago Abigail Waters was crowned "Queen" of the Student Body. That was the same year she won on a platform that made exterminating the roach infested walls of the new library her number one priority. Well, although it may appear that we will have another year with a lady at the helm, she better do a better job getting to the root of the roach problem as it has now extended to almost every room and corridor on campus. Long live the queen... maybe. But can we please put an end to these damn cockroaches once and for all?