February 26, 2016




Every year on Valentine’s Day, Crestview Academy throws a dance to demonstrate our affection for the student body (and obviously not to generate donations). This year was a quite a spectacle though and not just because the band came down with the flu and we push back the date. Freshman Nina Balducci brought undercrust and Shermer High School Student Council President, Jake Dowler, to the dance, though he was promptly asked to exit the premises. Other students should be aware, if it wasn’t already perfectly clear, Crestview does not accept riffraff such as this at any officially sanctioned Crestview functions. Not to mention that right in the middle of the sweetheart dance, Sophomore Joel Rothman and Junior Slater Girocco released buckets of marbles onto the dance floor, causing couples to tumble and crash to the ground, in a symbolic prediction of the fate of their relationships. Everyone knows that teenage romance is ultimately destined to end in adolescent melodrama and so-called heartbreak. We were able to catch Girocco before he fled the dance and ask him what kind of statement he hoped to communicate. “Dude I just wanted to see all those losers fall on their asses. Especially Lydia. God that was priceless.”

—“I just wanted to see all those losers fall on their asses. Especially Lydia.”

-- Slater Girocco, Junior, Honor Roll, Member of the Foosball Club and Dive Club


Pathetic Miranda Belle Hewitt, last year’s prom queen, was royally dumped in the parking lot outside the dance as well. In classic Valentine’s Day fashion, she proceeded to inebriate herself off the punch and vomit in the bathroom, juts missing the toilet. Classy. And directly following the marble incident, she stumbled onto the dance floor, tripping of course, and vomiting again this time on Jeanine Jarcowitz. Once again... Classy move. Many students were fortunate enough to witness her humiliation and report to the administration, as well as the school newspaper. By forcing the girl to confront the truth about her romantic tragedy she will more easily be able to move on. Your humble correspondent maintains that her public display of soddenness speaks to her desire for attention, suggesting a perhaps a little more than just infantile character. Possibly this was the reason for the termination of her relationship. As she refused to comment, the administration can only speculate. Oh lest we forget all the "remember whens" we have from high school Valentine’s Day.