April 22, 2016




This past week Crestview hosted its annual College Fair. Universities from across the country turned out to meet the incredibly accomplished and enormously impressive Crestview students. Seniors, Juniors and even a few Sophomores were in attendance this year, demonstrating their keen intellectual interest and far-reaching ambitions. Of course, Crestview only allows the most prestigious and elite schools to grace its halls. Students either attend a top school or none at all. In fact, those students who did not participate in the fair will probably take off for a few years and explore the world, courtesy of Daddy’s money. The faculty noted that the Harvard, Yale, Stanford and MIT booths were particularly packed with students, while Columbia, Cornell and Berkley attracted drifters. Stopping by Georgetown’s desk, we asked Junior Robin Darrow why she’s interested in the school: “What? I don’t know, I guess it's pretty. But like, so is every school. You know what? The pictures on these brochures are all the same - trees, old buildings, etc. Maybe they’ve all been taken at the same school. Oooh. Check out that BIrkin that girl has. I’m definitely going to that school. Tootles!”

-- "Check out that BIrkin that girl has. I’m definitely going to that school. Tootles!”

-- Robin Darrow, Junior, Journalism staff and member of the Cat Lovers Club


The Burnett sisters were not as interested in the Birkin bag, which can be bought at World's Best Fashion for a nominal $71,425. The sisters never had a clue about fashion, and thus, were more interested in Brown, a campus where there has never been a Birkin sighting to this date. Their sibling rivalry really flared up at the Brown table. Each sister vying for the representative’s attention has resulted in elbowing, hair pulling and embarrassingly story-telling. The Brown representative (who we later learned was named Ms. Agatha Baron), attempted to break up the fight. Unfortunately, she stepped between the two girls just as Lynn attempted to spit out her gum onto her sister’s face. Ms. Baron stormed angrily out of the fair and would have probably given a, perchance, negative review of Crestview’s hospitality, if she were not bribed by our extraordinarily gifted board of directors. In fact, she was so grateful for Crestview’s signature generosity, that any student interested in Brown is from now on guaranteed acceptance. But Crestview students already knew this. After all, this was our very own Headmaster Nash’s alma mater.