September 12, 2016




As the summer slowly came to an end, and Crestviewers were returning from their Labor Day weekend holiday (something about Unions that tried to break up our family business dynasties way back when), the start of a new school year arrived. To welcome all our students and teachers back, Crestview sponsored an upper school picnic on school grounds. Mandatory for all freshmen and sophomores, and strongly suggested for upperclassmen, this experience proved decadent and uniquely memorable as students and staff engaged in a series of games so that we be more united coming into the school year. Personal questions were asked and answered, a few bodily limbs were in jeopardy, and vast sums of money were spent, as everybody knows, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. This annual picnic is just one of the many perks of attending an institution as prestigious as Crestview. Junior gossip queen, Minnie Whistle, encouraged his fellow students who missed out this year to make sure to attend next year: “You learn everybody’s secrets at the picnic. Like how Sam Chin’s father doesn't just launder clothes for people at the largest dry cleaning chain in the state, but also launders their money. Or how Colt Dammin is actually on scholarship or financial aid... whatever that is. Undercrust." It turns out that your humble correspondent broke the news at the picnic because I saw him with what people call a "summer job" scooping gelato at trentuno sapori over the summer. It took him a few times to get my order just as I wanted. No tip of course. But it was all in good fun.

-- “You learn everybody’s secrets, like how Colt Dammin is actually on scholarship or financial aid... whatever that is. Undercrust.

-- Minnie Whistle, Junior, Secretary of the Polo Club


Bad news from the upper school all boys choir and the No "P" in the "V" Club this week. Two of their students, seem to have unexpectedly extended their summer trip around Italy, having been arrested for stealing precious artifacts belonging to the Vatican. It seems that the club members got lost in some museum and tried to slip out just before closing, stolen goods tucked inside their designer handbags. Unfortunately, they tripped an alarm and were handily caught. This incident has reflected poorly on Crestview, and specifically on the upper school all boys choir, as Crestview students are instructed time and time again, do not get caught. Gothard Goyard and Bartholomew Birkin, both juniors, will be punished for their carelessness and selfish behavior, once they get bailed out of jail by their parents. Though we understand the trials of being brought up having so many expectations put on you for being a one percenter, the lack of attention to detail by these two give us all fair warning that a political career will not be in the future for either of these two. Think of this as a public service message: Only commit crimes you can get away with. Thank you.