THE SHOW MUST GO ON... TO EDINBURGH

School's out for summer, but the show must go on... to Edinburgh. That's right Crestviewers, this summer the movie, Bad Kids of Crestview Academy, which is based on actual events that took place on our lovely campus last year will be having its International Premiere at the Edinburgh International Film Festival Friday, June 23, 2017, and again for an encore performance Saturday night the 24th. One of the things that attributed to the unparalleled success of the movie is the fact that all parts of the "Bad Kids" were played by actors from Crestview’s overwhelmingly talented student body. Sophomore, Jimmy Dalfilmo Faustenberg, self-proclaimed movie critic and frequent film festival attendee, calls the movie a "tour de force... a brave modern grindhouse gem that literally captures everything that happened that dreadful detention day in real time in every gory detail." And, unlike many others, he literally knows the meaning of "literally." And, it now seems Headmaster Nash will be leading an “unofficial” school trip to walk the red carpet and attend the premiere with some of the students who have survived these last couple of years, many of whom were already planning on visiting the distilleries and brushing up on their golf in Scotland this summer anyway. Junior Lexi Ridley, Thespian Society Treasurer, doesn't seem to mind postponing her summer plans in Monaco a couple of weeks in order to go to Scotland to celebrate the movie with her schoolmates. Ridley auditioned for the part of Faith in the movie, but obviously lost it to Faith. "Sure, the bitch died and doesn't get to go to Scotland this summer... or I guess the next summer either. But, I literally should've been the one to die that really cool death." Somehow, I don't think she meant that. Opining further, Ridley questioned, "I mean, whatever happened to method acting?"

--- "I literally should've been the one to die that really cool death."

--- Lexi Ridley, Junior, Thespian Society Treasurer

LITERALLY A THIRD TIME? OH NO THEY DIDN'T...

Following the actual release of the movie in the States, a twitter battle erupted between the theater members and the rest of the student body about which students should get killed in the next movie. Apparently some professors have also weighed in, as they should. But Freshman, Bruno Huppersada Williamson, III probably brought to light the most important subtext of the Crestview movies when he declared to another freshman, Genevieve Drysdale, that "the school has now literally become a fucking battleground for an undercrust uprising since they always survive in the movies, reinforcing false hope." Everyone knows that the arts have always been catalysts for change, but the Administration at Crestview sincerely hopes that the students will cease their silly internet war and duke it out in the parking lot when they return from summer hiatus... you know like the distinguished ladies and gentlemen we expect them to be.  

TRUTH OR DARE

As the summer slowly came to an end, and Crestviewers were returning from their Labor Day weekend holiday (something about Unions that tried to break up our family business dynasties way back when), the start of a new school year arrived. To welcome all our students and teachers back, Crestview sponsored an upper school picnic on school grounds. Mandatory for all freshmen and sophomores, and strongly suggested for upperclassmen, this experience proved decadent and uniquely memorable as students and staff engaged in a series of games so that we be more united coming into the school year. Personal questions were asked and answered, a few bodily limbs were in jeopardy, and vast sums of money were spent, as everybody knows, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. This annual picnic is just one of the many perks of attending an institution as prestigious as Crestview. Junior gossip queen, Minnie Whistle, encouraged his fellow students who missed out this year to make sure to attend next year: “You learn everybody’s secrets at the picnic. Like how Sam Chin’s father doesn't just launder clothes for people at the largest dry cleaning chain in the state, but also launders their money. Or how Colt Dammin is actually on scholarship or financial aid... whatever that is. Undercrust." It turns out that your humble correspondent broke the news at the picnic because I saw him with what people call a "summer job" scooping gelato at trentuno sapori over the summer. It took him a few times to get my order just as I wanted. No tip of course. But it was all in good fun.

-- “You learn everybody’s secrets, like how Colt Dammin is actually on scholarship or financial aid... whatever that is. Undercrust.”

-- Minnie Whistle, Junior, Secretary of the Polo Club

BUSTED

Bad news from the upper school all boys choir and the No "P" in the "V" Club this week. Two of their students, seem to have unexpectedly extended their summer trip around Italy, having been arrested for stealing precious artifacts belonging to the Vatican. It seems that the club members got lost in some museum and tried to slip out just before closing, stolen goods tucked inside their designer handbags. Unfortunately, they tripped an alarm and were handily caught. This incident has reflected poorly on Crestview, and specifically on the upper school all boys choir, as Crestview students are instructed time and time again, do not get caught. Gothard Goyard and Bartholomew Birkin, both juniors, will be punished for their carelessness and selfish behavior, once they get bailed out of jail by their parents. Though we understand the trials of being brought up having so many expectations put on you for being a one percenter, the lack of attention to detail by these two give us all fair warning that a political career will not be in the future for either of these two. Think of this as a public service message: Only commit crimes you can get away with. Thank you. 

HIKE TO THE TOP

The Crestview academy administration would like to remind all incoming freshmen to sign up for our annual exorbitantly expensive wilderness trip to the Swiss Alps. Although there is no financial aid available for this one. It is perfect for bonding, forming fortified cliques and marking targets-to-be for school year bullying, this is something no freshman will want to miss. Students will hike, camp out and take in the magnificent wonder that is the swiss alps for fourteen luxurious days. Of course, housing and gourmet meals will be provided. Crestview would never abuse their students with cramped, rain-drenched tents and crumby peanut butter sandwiches. The freshmen wilderness adventure is a time to come together, not die by the hands of nature. Sophomore Kenna Avenell, who submitted a picture of herself as she is always prone to do, was a participant last year, reminisced about her experience with us: “It was fucking awesome. Me and a bunch of other girls noticed this one loser and started like, planting things in her bunk... you know, the works. You really perfect your pranking skills on this trip and learn a lot of valuable life lessons on this thing, swear.”

-- “You really perfect your pranking skills on this trip and learn a lot of valuable life lessons on this thing, swear.”

-- Kenna Avenell, Sophomore, Member of the Book Club and Fencing Club

CRESTVIEW STARS

We just got word here at Crestview Academy that one of our Juniors has won the National Poetry award. Congratulations Brendan Louie Halloway! Crestview is proud of all our artists, knowing they will go on to further the culture of our time, adeptly prepared by the Crestview faculty. Crestview alums don’t always take on daddy’s business after all. Some perform in Carnegie Hall or take to the stage or the silver screen. We foster any and every talent that walks through our doors, and we hope future students and donors remember Brendan’s accomplishment as a representative of what we, Crestview, can do for budding young artists. We make them stars. Be sure to send your donations to Crestview Academy to fund our upcoming Fall Arts and Culture Night, where again, we will be reminding you of our great and unparalleled support of the artists of this generation.

GOING TO THE FAIR

This past week Crestview hosted its annual College Fair. Universities from across the country turned out to meet the incredibly accomplished and enormously impressive Crestview students. Seniors, Juniors and even a few Sophomores were in attendance this year, demonstrating their keen intellectual interest and far-reaching ambitions. Of course, Crestview only allows the most prestigious and elite schools to grace its halls. Students either attend a top school or none at all. In fact, those students who did not participate in the fair will probably take off for a few years and explore the world, courtesy of Daddy’s money. The faculty noted that the Harvard, Yale, Stanford and MIT booths were particularly packed with students, while Columbia, Cornell and Berkley attracted drifters. Stopping by Georgetown’s desk, we asked Junior Robin Darrow why she’s interested in the school: “What? I don’t know, I guess it's pretty. But like, so is every school. You know what? The pictures on these brochures are all the same - trees, old buildings, etc. Maybe they’ve all been taken at the same school. Oooh. Check out that BIrkin that girl has. I’m definitely going to that school. Tootles!”

-- "Check out that BIrkin that girl has. I’m definitely going to that school. Tootles!”

-- Robin Darrow, Junior, Journalism staff and member of the Cat Lovers Club

SCHOOL SPIRIT

The Burnett sisters were not as interested in the Birkin bag, which can be bought at World's Best Fashion for a nominal $71,425. The sisters never had a clue about fashion, and thus, were more interested in Brown, a campus where there has never been a Birkin sighting to this date. Their sibling rivalry really flared up at the Brown table. Each sister vying for the representative’s attention has resulted in elbowing, hair pulling and embarrassingly story-telling. The Brown representative (who we later learned was named Ms. Agatha Baron), attempted to break up the fight. Unfortunately, she stepped between the two girls just as Lynn attempted to spit out her gum onto her sister’s face. Ms. Baron stormed angrily out of the fair and would have probably given a, perchance, negative review of Crestview’s hospitality, if she were not bribed by our extraordinarily gifted board of directors. In fact, she was so grateful for Crestview’s signature generosity, that any student interested in Brown is from now on guaranteed acceptance. But Crestview students already knew this. After all, this was our very own Headmaster Nash’s alma mater. 

UPPERCRUST MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES

Every year, around this time, freshmen, sophomores, and juniors begin campaigning for student council positions to be held the following school year. It's Crestview Academy's own version of primary season. Except, of course, at Crestview we do not have Democrats. We do not have Republicans. We have a much more exclusive party that is invitation only.  Yes for this club of the Rich and Entitled, uppercrust membership has its privileges. Fliers have already begun to go up on the walls, brownies are being passed around in the hallways (many are saying they are being imported from Portland and Colorado whatever that means), and promises are made willy nilly, and students are getting paid off handsomely for their votes. The faculty has taken the initiative to discuss the candidates up for election this season. Freshman computer hacker prodigy, Ethan Darnley, has hung posters around campus and sent out spam emails declaring “Either Ethan is treasurer next year or I'll find a way to drain your bank account without your permission."  We can’t speak for the student body, but the faculty finds this kind of appeal highly convincing. Sophomore twins, Loretta and Lynn Burnett are both running against each other for vice president. Each of their campaigns consists of posting unflattering pictures of the other in the bathrooms. And for the primo role of president, several junior candidates are engaged in fierce competition. One of the contenders, Leo Roccio, explains his strategy, “Just got to find a scandal. Or create one. I’m totally gonna win!”

—“Just got to find a scandal. Or create one. I’m totally gonna win!”

-- Leo Roccio, Junior, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Fan Club President

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN

If early polling of likely voters and number of retweets in the twittosphere are any indication of how elections will turn out, it seems the  picture posted of Loretta were way more modest than the scandalous sexy pictures of her twin Lynn. Loretta will most likely be out due to not revealing enough of her "self." But it still appears really close for Lynn as junior Lucas Braddock, who takes some pretty good selfies for a dude, may be calling for a brokered election at an upper school assembly. Ethan has also seemed to make a lot of headway with his threats as poor Leo just can't get any of his scandals of the other candidates to stick. The presidency will go to either Drusilla Rothdale or Devyn Hollingsworth. Now, this won't be Crestview’s first year with a female figurehead. Four years ago Abigail Waters was crowned "Queen" of the Student Body. That was the same year she won on a platform that made exterminating the roach infested walls of the new library her number one priority. Well, although it may appear that we will have another year with a lady at the helm, she better do a better job getting to the root of the roach problem as it has now extended to almost every room and corridor on campus. Long live the queen... maybe. But can we please put an end to these damn cockroaches once and for all?

DANCE TILL YOU DROP

Every year on Valentine’s Day, Crestview Academy throws a dance to demonstrate our affection for the student body (and obviously not to generate donations). This year was a quite a spectacle though and not just because the band came down with the flu and we push back the date. Freshman Nina Balducci brought undercrust and Shermer High School Student Council President, Jake Dowler, to the dance, though he was promptly asked to exit the premises. Other students should be aware, if it wasn’t already perfectly clear, Crestview does not accept riffraff such as this at any officially sanctioned Crestview functions. Not to mention that right in the middle of the sweetheart dance, Sophomore Joel Rothman and Junior Slater Girocco released buckets of marbles onto the dance floor, causing couples to tumble and crash to the ground, in a symbolic prediction of the fate of their relationships. Everyone knows that teenage romance is ultimately destined to end in adolescent melodrama and so-called heartbreak. We were able to catch Girocco before he fled the dance and ask him what kind of statement he hoped to communicate. “Dude I just wanted to see all those losers fall on their asses. Especially Lydia. God that was priceless.”

—“I just wanted to see all those losers fall on their asses. Especially Lydia.”

-- Slater Girocco, Junior, Honor Roll, Member of the Foosball Club and Dive Club

HE LOVES ME NOT

Pathetic Miranda Belle Hewitt, last year’s prom queen, was royally dumped in the parking lot outside the dance as well. In classic Valentine’s Day fashion, she proceeded to inebriate herself off the punch and vomit in the bathroom, juts missing the toilet. Classy. And directly following the marble incident, she stumbled onto the dance floor, tripping of course, and vomiting again this time on Jeanine Jarcowitz. Once again... Classy move. Many students were fortunate enough to witness her humiliation and report to the administration, as well as the school newspaper. By forcing the girl to confront the truth about her romantic tragedy she will more easily be able to move on. Your humble correspondent maintains that her public display of soddenness speaks to her desire for attention, suggesting a perhaps a little more than just infantile character. Possibly this was the reason for the termination of her relationship. As she refused to comment, the administration can only speculate. Oh lest we forget all the "remember whens" we have from high school Valentine’s Day.

CRESTVIEW MELTING POT

As of this past Monday, three new exchange students have arrived on our Crestview campus: Mademoiselle Sabine Babineaux from Paris and two from Beijng, China named May Chen and Neal Fu. It seems that our gracious student body has wholeheartedly accepted the newcomers, as students have been lining up during lunch hour to inquire about Babineaux, Chen and Fu’s culture and language. Our own Head Secretary, Alecia Soles, whilst giving Fu and Chen their schedules, overheard a student ask if the French are frogs or if they just eat frogs. Another student asked Chen if her family chose to send her to America so they could try again for a boy. But, that doesn't seem to be the case as in her situation. After only a few days here, Miss Chen took a slow boat back to China to marry her long time boyfriend. Sophomore Anna Riverton claims that she will miss the foreigner: “I'll miss her fashion sense. She always wore the coolest air pollution masks.”

— “She always wore the coolest air pollution masks.”

--- Anna Riverton, Sophomore, Member of the Chinamen Club and Thespian Society

MULTI-CULTURAL FRIDAY PANEL

Have you ever wondered why Chen was such a bad driver? Or why Fu is constantly taking pictures? Or why Babineaux wears so much perfume when she could just take a shower? Since our Crestview students have continued to inquire about the cultures native to our foreign visitors, Babineaux and Fu spoke with Headmaster Nash. After this private meeting, Headmaster Nash announced there will be a panel this Friday afternoon, where any Crestview student can ask questions to the exchange students. Unfortunately, Babineaux has already left Crestview, so she will not be able to partake in the panel. And though that leaves only Fu, we encourage parents and alumni to attend.

CHEATERS BUSTED UNFORTUNATELY

This week at Crestview Academy, certain students have unfortunately been spotted cheating. Seniors in Professor Goodberry’s Honors Anatomy & Physiology class, Joanna O’Malley, Braxton Albert Hansard, and Richie Bluebell III, were caught in possession of the questions for an upcoming exam. It seems they were selling copies of these questions to their peers. While the Crestview administration applauds these students for their entrepreneurial spirit, their complete lack of ingenuity and subtlety is disappointing. For their punishment, O’Malley, Hansard, and Bluebell will no longer be allowed the choice parking spots generally granted to those Seniors on the Honor Roll. And as a note to all Crestview students, please understand that mediocre cheating ability will not be tolerated in an establishment as prestigious as Crestview Academy. Junior Emilie Marlborough expresses her opinion on how stupid they were for getting caught, “What losers! Not like I care though, ‘cause I’m getting shady Richie’s little shady spot right under the Bald Cyprus tree.”

-- "Not like I care though, ‘cause I’m getting shady Richie’s little shady spot right under the Bald Cyprus tree.”

-- Emilie Marlborough, Junior, Member of the Diplomacy Club and Treasurer of Future Bosses of America (FBA)

CRESTVIEW CLUB WINS STATE

Our esteemed Mock Trial team won the state competition yesterday, utterly demolishing the competition. All the other teams were utterly demolished due in no small part because  their heads of Mock Trial were not nephews of the Judge’s roommate from Princeton back in the day, like our very own. Like a true Crestview star, Senior Joshua Elton Fitzgerald, Head of the Mock Trial Club, arranged for family friend, Judge Perkins, to preside over the competition and of course, announce Crestview’s team as the winner. This is an example of stellar behavior, and might we add how proud we are to claim this student as our own. This is what Crestview students do folks. They win. 

WINNING AT COMMUNITY SERVICE

There’s been something positively delicious in the air this week at Crestview. It's called competition. That’s right, as college acceptances begin to roll in for our seniors, our sophomores and juniors have been busy rolling up their Ralph Lauren sleeves and donning figurative gloves, participating in an astonishing wave of community service. Being a legacy, having an obscene amount of wealth, or the less important things like having excellent grades, no longer assure one of getting into the top university of his choice. Thus, we have seen a trend in Crestview’s honorable students traveling far and wide, accomplishing unprecedented feats of charity, such as the singlehanded razing of a dilapidated mud school in Africa to nurturing the children of US Embassy leaders in Cambodia. Working closer to home, Junior Casey Emery Hopkins has been negotiating deals with esteemed members of our own community encouraging them to gift large sums of money to less than elite children's hospitals. Sophomore Ansel Willencroft Hamberg IV, however, doesn't do his selfless charity work in the hopes of being able to get into the university of his choice. He describes the root of his recent flair for charity very bluntly. “See I’m not gonna let Jenkins do more service than me. Dude’s a shithead. I’m going to beat him just so I can beat that loser. I’m going to fucking win.”

--“I’m going to beat him just so I can beat that loser. I’m going to fucking win.”

-- Ansel Willencroft Hamberg IV, Sophomore, Member of the Blue Blood Club and Head of the Honor Society

UN-FRIENDLY COMPETITION

Things have quite possibly gotten out of hand with Crestview’s inner competition, as the students have decided to extend the friendly feud to Shermer Academy. This morning during weekly assembly, Headmaster Nash announced that all future attempts to sabotage Shermer students' measly attempts at service be carried out more discreetly, as Crestview would rather not deal with lawsuits from angry Shermer parents crying foul play. It's no secret that the Crestview community has deep pockets. And those undercrust losers will do anything to have us redistributing our wealth, even if it means resorting to frivolous lawsuits against us. Nash, therefore, has called on "All terror of Shermer students shall occur only student’s time and not during school hours." Translation: any plans for physical confrontation are no longer allowed to take place on school grounds during school hours. 

RICH BRAINS BETTER THAN POOR BRAINS

Based on a new study conducted in a joint effort by the junior neuroscience and sophomore biochemistry classes, it has been confirmed that the brains of rich people are better than the brains of poor people. Previous studies by Crestview's very own students have been conducted on the difference between brains of different genders, confirming what we have always known about how males and females respond differently to stimuli (hence the real reason for the so-called "wage gap"). But this is the first study that actually shows that major differences exist in brain function based on one's personal wealth. As a result, Crestview Academy has begun to rid the classrooms and lecture halls of the prestigious institution of archaic textbooks and remedial curricula, which obviously had been planted by government operatives in the school textbook business to level the playing field, and which would ultimately would end up grossly misguiding untrained and unblemished youths. Looking deeper into the study, what we find to be even more interesting is the fact that old money brains function exponentially better than the brains of the nouveau riche. "Interesting" not "surprising" being the operative word in describing the discovery, as freshman blue blood Mortimer Browning Johannes, IV aptly attested upon hearing the findings, "It certainly isn't 'surprising' that new money can't change one's genetic code. Undercrust is undercrust. It's high time they faced the fact that new money can't buy friends, nor brains, at Crestview." It seems undercrust is a stain you just can't get rid of.

--"Recycle... 'cause, like, poor people dig our trash."

-- Faith Jackson, Preacher's Daughter and President of the Future Christians of America

POOR PEOPLE DIG OUR TRASH

Faith Jackson, President of Future Christians of America (FCA), has stepped up to the plate as she always has in the past with another brilliant (she's rich) plan. Instead of throwing away the old and outdated textbooks, they will be included in the recycling program spearheaded by the FCA. Jackson has called on a Crestview wide initiative to "Recycle... 'cause, like, poor people dig our trash." The FCA hopes that this new initiative will not start and end with outdated remedial textbooks, but extend into all things being thrown in the wastebasket in classrooms to the dumpsters behind the dining hall. Jackson extolled the virtue of giving to the less fortunate by proclaiming, "Let them eat leftover cake." 

EVERYONE WINS

It's that time of year, folks, when the brilliant students at Crestview Academy receive their mid-year academic recognition awards! Here at Crestview, nothing is valued as much as academic prowess, except for possibly money, sex appeal, and money. But, hitting the books, and by that we mean studying and not students hitting other students with books, will earn everyone his prize this year. So in the spirit of fairness and inclusiveness, more students (like every student) will receive a prize! Yes, it looks like a new policy of PC populism has taken hold at Crestview. Dean of Students, Dr. Gladys Knight, maintains that, "Sometimes it's just better policy to be a politically correct populist than a hard ass." How's that for appealing to the political correctness running rampant across school campuses lately?

Awards at mid-year will be presented to everyone simply for being Crestview material, starting from the best students, like your humble correspondent, to the worst students who so obviously couldn’t be bothered to even show up to Molecular Biology, let alone crack open the textbook. Yes, we're talking about you, Christie Merriweather. That's right... the same Christie Merriweather about whom we last wrote of painting her toenails with the blood of her frenemies in the hallway, when she should have been sitting quietly and attentively in African tribal studies class. Well... Congratulations! You won Worst Student of the Mid-Year, just edging out Jannah Creamer, whom we caught ditching remedial Senior Math Topics class to steal all the toilet paper from all the ladies' restrooms throughout the math and science quadrangle. Obviously, we don't tolerate that kind of childish behavior at such a prestigious establishment like Crestview, Miss Creamer. So, please control yourself, or in the future you'll very quickly be finding yourself at some place like Shermer, where you can be free to extol your undercrust shenanigans.

-- "Sometimes it's just better policy to be a politically correct populist than a hard ass."

-- Dr. Gladys Knight, Dean of Students

EVEN THE BEST RECEIVED AWARDS

The Mid-Year Award ceremony took several hours during Friday's assembly today, before we finally reached the mid-year superlatives. Yes, we found time for even the best students to get an award. This mid-year awards found the Best Student Award being presented to Archibald Roots, who beat out Sophia Kinney, Jake Lazar, and Branson Coby. Ultimately, we all know that there can only be just one "best student." Even though this year was the first year everyone won an award, there still is truly only one winner. The world needs losers, of course. After all, without losers, there could be no winners. That's exactly why Crestviewers appreciate losers so much.

During lunch period on Monday, the “cool” popular kids will be handing out the student equivalent of these awards, focusing on social competence by categorizing each type of loser. They too, in the spirit of equality, will not leave a single student behind or forgotten. For this year at Crestview, everyone is special enough to receive an award... even losers.

ARE YOU BEING BULLIED, OR ARE YOU JUST A #PANSY?

"Are you being bullied, or are you just a #pansy?" This isn't just an administration approved sign posted up in the hallways of Crestview Academy. This has been a question that academics have struggled with for more than a millennium, although hashtags being used in front of words are a rather recent phenomenon, and the earliest Google Books match for "pansy" in the effeminate sense is from the Class of '09 notes inThe Princeton Alumni Weekly (March 28, 1930), where it appears as a derogatory adjective. The excerpt from the Class of '09 notes reveals, "They have installed a ping-pong table in the new addition of the Princeton Club of Ne (sic) York, and ardent devotees thus far are Larry Waterman, John Nutting, and your correspondent. We old codgers are right spry, considering our creaking joints and dimming eyesight. Incidentally, any of you birds who regard ping-pong as a pansy game are hereby challenged. We three valiants guarantee to put you in your place and alter your opinion."

-- "Any of you birds who regard ping-pong as a pansy game are hereby challenged."

-- Norman F. Carroll, Princeton Alumni Secretary, Class 1909

PING-PONG A CLUB, NOT A VARSITY SPORT

William Ray "Tadpole" Millions, Captain of the Crestview Academy Ping-Pong Club, has been petitioning the administration as of late to turn the wildly unpopular ping-pong club into a varsity sport. Tadpole, the only member of the club, maintains that, "As long as it remains a club and not an official varsity sport, people will continue putting us ping-pong athletes down." Tadpole seems to be fighting an uphill battle. Headmaster Nash has already voiced his opposition to making a club sport into a varsity sport simply to protect students from name-calling and bullying.  "Crestview Academy isn't here to provide pansies with safe spaces." Nash continued, "And we definitely aren't here to make such safe space a varsity sport." From the sounds of things, it looks like Tadpole better man up!

GO CRESTVIEW, BEAT SHERMER

Crestview Academy takes on Shermer High in the annual John Hughes football classic match-up tonight. The cheerleaders have been called in to do a little extra heavy lifting this weekend... a little more than just cheering the Apaches on to victory over the Bulldogs. The movie club, under the leadership and direction of Richard Vergaman, promoted a "watch the movie or we'll kill the Apache" night over Thanksgiving, hoping to play on people's sensitivities to get them to watch the movie "Bad Kids Go to Hell." For some reason, many pansies out there took offense at what they called politically incorrect marketing, even though Vergaman has maintained he "was only intending to kill Kevin Bushmeister, the school mascot, who has no Indian heritage and not an actual Apache."  Bushmeister, in fact, is currently undergoing treatment for a severe case of "White Privilege." Nonetheless, the cheerleading team has decided to step up to the plate and they will now be running a new marketing campaign.  

--"I was only intending to kill Kevin... not an actual Apache."

-- Richard Vergaman, Movie Club President

WATCH THIS MOVIE, OR WE'LL KILL THE GIRL

So as not to offend anyone, the cheerleading team has decided to put up one of their own in the new campaign, as the latest National Lampoon cover reveals. The cheerleading team wants you to know that you can watch "Bad Kids Go to Hell" by clicking on the menu bar of the Crestview Academy Website or buy the DVD (box signed by the creators) with all the special features and extras available only at the Crestview Academy Bookstore. What better way to celebrate Ben Browder's birthday today and the upcoming victory over Shermer tonight!

CRESTVIEW BAD KIDS AT NEW YORK WINTERCON

Crestview Academy is proud to announce that a couple of the Bad Kids from the senior creative writing class will be in attendance as special guests at New York WinterCon this weekend. Chaperoning the students on the trip this year will be the Board's recently elected Alumni Chairman, Th3 Rogue '12.  The goal of attending comic cons like this one is to give the peons a little taste of Crestview Academy. There will be great promotions at the Bad Kids of Crestview Academy booth including amazing deals on signed comic books, DVDs, and other cool shwag. Th3 Rogue explains that, "this is going to be a great opportunity for the undercrust who simply aren't Crestview material and otherwise could never earn respect, to at least be able to buy it. If they can afford it, that is." 

--"Being self-absorbed can actually win you free shit."

-- Th3 Rogue, Alumni Chairman on the merits of the Selfie Station

SHORT SKIRTS, SELFIE STATION, AND MORE

"I'm really excited to promote Crestview Academy by looking so hot and wearing those skimpy little schoolgirl skirts that still fit me so well," Th3 Rogue admitted. "And one of the new attractions that we'll be setting up is the very popular "Selfie Station," where the wannabes can get a chance to learn a little more about how being self-absorbed can actually win you free shit." After all, what better way to promote a sense of entitlement, than by being rewarded for showing the world how much you care about yourself. Just remember, make sure to show the world how cool you are by tagging your selfie #CrestviewBadKid.

THANKSGIVING NIGHT AT THE MOVIES

We all love Thanksgiving.We all love movies. And there's no better way to spend thanksgiving weekend than cuddling up next to your special someone and watching a bad ass movie like "Bad Kids Go to Hell." You can watch it by clicking on the menu bar of the Crestview Academy Website or buy the DVD (box signed by the creators) with all the special features and extras available only at the Crestview Academy Bookstore. The movie was shot at our prestigious school, so you may recognize some of the classrooms and of course the library. The story takes place on a stormy Saturday afternoon. Six Crestview Academy spoiled rotten private school students begin to meet horrible fates as they serve out their detentions. And you love every minute of it, because these kids suck so bad you really do want to see them die. We know. It's eerily similar to the actual Crestview Academy. But there is also a little murder mystery here... is a fellow student to blame or is one of Cresview Academy's alleged ghosts behind the terrible acts?

--"If you don't see this movie, we'll kill the Apache."

-- Richard Vergaman, Movie Club President

WATCH THIS MOVIE OR WE'LL KILL THE APACHE

In order to impress upon everyone how bad ass the movie "Bad Kids Go to Hell" is, Richard Vergaman, Crestview Academy Movie Club President, has put out all the stops. He has used social media to promote the anticipated nationwide movie watching party all weekend by appealing to people's sensitivities to cultural diversity and those Native People from whom our founder Ezekiel Wilkes stole an ancient burial ground to establish Crestview Academy. Vergaman made a public statement that this year will be no different from year's past in proclaiming that "If you don't see this movie, we'll kill the Apache." National Lampoon originally picked up the story in 2012 when the pronouncement was first made. Ever since then, that Apache has been on a hot streak. Let's keep that streak, and the Apache alive this year... And this Thanksgiving weekend, the Apache will definitely have something to be thankful for.

SPATCAVE CELEBRATES DR. KNIGHT'S BIRTHDAY AT PERRYCON

Today is not only Crestview Academy's Guidance Counselor and Dean of Discipline Dr. Knight's birthday, it is also the beginning of PerryCon 2015. In honor of Dr. Knight's birthday and her commitment to discipline, the very rebellious and undisciplined Director of FX Make-Up Studies, Spat Oktan (SpatCave Studios) has joined the Devil and descended way down south to Georgia for PerryCon this weekend. He brings with him his lovely, biting, and disobedient assistant Miss Belle. Spat and Miss Belle plan to set up a selfie station (aren't all the bad kids into themselves?) where you can get rewarded, not punished, by grabbing your favorite Crestview Bad Kid quote and showing your Bad side. Miss Belle only had one word to say about the promotion: "Huff." You see, she made it very clear that she doesn't "woof."

-- "Huff."

-- Miss Belle, The Lovely, Biting, Disobedient Assistant

NATIONAL LOVE YOUR LAWYER DAY

In addition to today being Dr. Knight's birthday and the start of PerryCon, it is also National Love Your Lawyer Day. When asked about his liability and possible repercussions for promoting "Bad Behavior" against the advice of Dr. Knight, Spat handed over his lawyer's business card, and said, "Speak with my lawyer." Yes at Crestview Academy, we provide only the best legal counsel to all our students and faculty members, as well as administrative staff. Being a member of the Crestview Academy community certainly has its privileges. And today we send our love out to all the lawyers we have on retainer who have never lost a case when it involved getting one of the few Crestview elite out of sticky situations.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Crestview Academy's Social Media, Marketing, and Graphics Design class would like to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. The director of the program and recently awarded Master Teacher, Lady Sprite, put this piece of artwork together on behalf of Crestview reminding everyone that all "Bad Kids Go to Hell" while pimping the comic book and movie at the same time. Crestview has a long and illustrious history of doing some pretty bad things to some really nice folks. And this holiday season, Lady Sprite wants us all to mindful of an ancient Native American proverb to which she ascribes the way she leads her life that predicts, "We will be known forever by the tracks we leave behind."

--"We will be known forever by the tracks we leave behind." 

-- Jacob Rainwater, That Really Unlucky Old Indian Dude

BOOKSTORE HAS WORLD'S LARGEST PUMPKINS

Okay so not really. But you can buy a whole lot of other cool things like Crestview Academy uniforms at the Crestview Academy Bookstore. So dress up like a spoiled rotten prep school kid on Halloween or any other time of year. That is one of the great things about Crestview. You probably could never get in to this prestigious school. But it doesn't mean you can't buy respect by letting everyone think you actually attend our exclusive and proudly exclusionary institution.

You like the way we did that? It's always about the Benjamins at Crestview... even on Halloween.

CRESTVIEW ACADEMY BOOKSTORE OPEN 24/7 FOR BUSINESS

Every once in a while we have nothing new to say about things such as our foreign exchange student little Ben Ghazi from Libya or the status of the Donald Trump wall being built around campus. So why not try to make some money. So, this week's blog will be devoted to plugging our newly renovated Crestview Academy Bookstore and all the really bad ass things you can buy there. And the best thing about it is that the bookstore is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

--"We accept Visa, MasterCard, Discover, and American Express."

--Guy Who Works There

COMICS , DVD'S, POSTERS, APPAREL, ACCESSORIES

So you want a cool best-selling comic book? We sell them as single issue comics or as trade paperback versions in digital download or if in print signed by the co-creators.

How about DVD's and Movie Posters? We got those too! And yes they are also signed by the co-creators.

What about T-shirts, School Girl Skirts, Ties, Beanies, and other Crestview Academy Apparel? You better believe it.

And what kind of other cool things do we have in stock? We got it all - from Crestview Academy Iron-On Patches to Temporary Tattoos, from Crestview Bad Kid officially licensed Battery Power Packs to Koozies. And even Backpacks where you can haul around all this great merch.

The Crestview Academy Bookstore is open so click here to visit and buy some cool stuff!

NATIONAL BOSS DAY

Crestview Academy wants to wish EVERYONE we know a Happy National Boss Day... because we don't know people who aren't bosses. We don't have much to say in this post because someone should be writing it for us. "Sure, I normally would write a really brilliant blog or an amazing article or a something something for the campus news section of the site. My stuff is so awesome." Beams Daniel Webster Michaelson, Campus News Contributor and President of Crestview Academy's Future Bosses of America (FBA) Club. "But today is different. It's the day that I should be able to celebrate and take a day off. After all, shouldn't someone else be writing this stuff for me?"

--"That's alright. That's okay. You'll be working for us someday."

-- Crestview Fight Song

NO TYPING CLASSES SINCE 1925

Although girls have been attending Crestview Academy since 1913, when typing class was first instituted at the School, in 1925 the administration made a decision to stop teaching typing to its students. The President of the Board of Trustees at the time, Dr. Horatio Barnaby Blackburn, maintained that it was a complete waste of time for the future bosses of the world to be concerned with typing when their secretaries would be doing that for them. In what many seem to see as an ironic twist of fate, in 2005, direct descendant of Dr. Blackburn and contemporary writer, Barbara Blackburn, achieved fame as the fastest English language typist in the world, according to The Guinness Book of World Records.

NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY AT CRESTVIEW

At Crestview Academy, we are serious about National Coming Out Day. That is why we pulled all the strings necessary to make sure this national celebration took place on a weekend day when it wouldn't interfere with our regularly scheduled school day. Leigh-Anne Grace, the author of the Crestview Code of Conduct, was adamant in maintaining, "Ain't nobody got time for that." She continued, that "Unlike all other days, today, we call on all students to be themselves. Let everyone know just exactly who you really are. Just remember, tomorrow it's back to school. And none of your expressing individuality will be allowed. We aim to keep our school as straight and WASPy as possible." Of course, as strict as some may think Crestview is with respect to its policies and standards, there is no true hard and fast rule, as Crestview always make exceptions for those with enough money. "We don't discriminate." Grace explained. "If you are a Republican, that's fine with us. If you are rich enough to be a Democrat, that's even better."

--"Ain't nobody got time for that."

-- Leigh-Anne Grace, Author of The Crestview Code of Conduct

LGBTQRST CLUB

Tebbie Halston, President of the LGBTQRST Club, has put out a press release today from Crestview's fastest growing extracurricular club. 

Today, in celebration of National Coming Out Day, the LGBTQRST Club has open enrollment. We're not just good at the alphabet and making cool acronyms. We're about expressing our individuality. Remember, it's not about how much money you have or how much you plan to inherit, or even you or your parents' political connections. It's all about being yourself and expressing yourself. And in the LGBTQRST Club we know how to do that the best. 

WORLD SMILE DAY CELEBRATED AT CRESTVIEW

Today is October 2. And at Crestview Academy the students take note of such an auspicious date, as it marks World Smile Day, started in 1963 by the creator of the Smiley Face Logo, Mr. Harvey Ball. The students know that being Crestview material has ensured each and every one of them a prosperous and successful future. For isn't it really all about nepotism and connections? So why shouldn't they smile? Many have argued that the Crestview smile is not a true smile of happiness and joy, though, but one more of haughty grandeur. Whether it is a smile, a grin, or a smirk, today is a day to celebrate, especially when we're making fun of you.

--"We're not laughing with you. We're laughing at you."

--Any Crestview Student

ASKING THEMSELVES THE TOUGHER QUESTIONS

At Crestview Academy, the students have been taught to ask themselves the tougher questions... The deeper questions that require more thought and usually even more complex answers. What really makes one smile? Is it the new 2015 Ferrari LeFerrari that sophomore, Jovan Patrick Archibald, III received for his 16th birthday? Is it the revised dress code requiring the girls to shorten their skirt hemlines, recently instituted by Headmaster Nash? Is it the silent but deadly one you pinched out in History class that everyone else assumed emanated from the loser sitting next to you? Whatever it is, at Crestview, the students have always been smiling. And there's no sign of Headmaster Nash slowing down with new dress code ideas or the smiles letting up.

NATIONAL COMIC BOOK DAY

National Comic Book Day occurs annually with incredible celebratory activities at Crestview Academy. And this year is no different with a huge fireworks show beginning at sunset. Although classes are canceled, students are required to show up at school late today wearing costumes. That means cosplay. For the uneducated, Spatcave Studios has put together a cosplay tutorial. Click here to check it out. "I love cosplay." Bradley Kellerman stated. "I'll be dressing up as my hero, the hedge fund manager, entrepreneur, and Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli."

-- "I love cosplay."

--Bradley Kellerman, Crestview Junior

25% OFF ALL COMIC BOOK MERCHANDISE

In honor of National Comic Book Day, the Crestview Academy Bookstore is selling all comic book merchandise for 25% off regular prices. That means Comic Books, Graphic Novels, Trade Paperbacks, and even digital downloads can be purchased for 25% off by simply entering the promo code #BADKID2 when you place your order. You may not be able to get into Crestview Academy. But you can still buy respect. Visit the Crestview Academy Bookstore today!

MICHELIN 4 STAR RATING

Crestview Academy has always been known for its absurd endowment and wealth. And when it comes to academics it ranks as the best private school in the country, graduating the highest percentage of National Merit Finalists every year. But what those outside the newly designed and constructed Trump walls of Crestview Academy may not realize is that it also boasts the top dining facilities in the world. In fact, it is the only restaurant that Michelin has given a 4 star rating.

"When I'm slumming it, I don't mind eating on Lenox or Wedgwood China," Christian Elizabeth Coxworth admits. "But after a brutal third period Honors English class with Mr. Connolly, I wouldn't want to think about eating the fresh stone crabs flown in to the dining hall for lunch on anything other than Flora Danica Dinnerware by Royal Copenhagen."

-- "When I'm slumming it, I don't mind eating on Lenox or Wedgwood China."

-- Christian Elizabeth Coxworth, 7th Grade Honors English Student

NO CAFETERIA FOOD FOR YOU

When James Beard Award winning Chef Jacques Treif Hayon was asked what a typical lunch served to Crestview Academy students consisted of, he interjected "Typical? Does anything here look typical?" And then went on to berate my complexion, "Why the pale face? You eat Cafeteria food?" 

While it's a common student gripe at most schools, the food is actually quite good at Crestview Academy, with a meal plan included for every student. And while the Chef would not divulge any of his menu offerings, we did find out that the students get served Salisbury Steak for lunch during their Saturday detentions, along with pastries for dessert that are to die for.

Crestview Academy's water polo team has truly slain its competition this season, winning its unprecedented 15th national championship in a row by a score of 14 to 0 over underdog St. Edwards. Granted, this season the Apaches played the majority of their matches against schools with virtually no budget to support or develop a water polo team that could compete with Crestview. Many members of opposing teams found themselves treading in deep waters without equestrian transport, making it almost impossible to compete with the steeds trained and used for competition by Crestview.

-- "We're the best water polo team on the planet."

-- Richard Hamptons Vanmalet, III, Towel Boy

“We've always had the best polo team. But now that we have trained our steeds to work their magic in the natatorium, we're the best water polo team on the planet!” Gloats Richard Hamptons Vanmalet, III. “We plan to maintain this title permanently.” Vanmalet is technically the team's towel boy, but is confident that, in time, he may be invited to help compete.
Still, others doubt whether the team can hold its championship if they were to let the towel boy in on a match. It's not that he can't swim. He's just afraid of horses.

THE INTERNET IS JUST A FAD

After operating by tactile text for the entirety of its history, Crestview Academy will now be implementing digital studying resources for its staff and students. The resources will be available both in class and in the library of the school. “I think it’s about time we made these kinds of advancements,” said Jane Parns, a teacher at the school. “We’ve been behind the times for a while now, and I know Crestview has more than enough money to make these kinds of improvements.” Billionaire Technology mogul and Crestview sophomore, Powell Ku, has maintained "If the school continues to focus on Internet as the gateway for this new digital technology, it will soon find itself in the dark ages. Everyone knows that the Internet is just a passing fad." 

--"Everyone knows that the Internet is just a passing fad."

-- Powell Ku, Billionaire Technology Mogul and Crestview Sophomore

Still some are curious if the focus on technology will make it so that big backpacks on little shoulders will no longer be a reality. "I got these big shoulders from carrying big books in big backpacks from 5th grade through this year," Rogerick Edwards, Captain of the Football Team complained. "Sure NFL teams utilize our workout facilities when in town for their games. But when we're not working out, we should still be working out not just our brains, but also our brawn as we traverse the campus wearing huge backpacks. Yeah, 'traverse.' That's right. I said it. Even jocks like me at Crestview know those cool words." 

CRESTVIEW CROPS AREN'T CRAP

“We’re very excited to be embracing a return to localized food crops that may smell like crap, but aren't crap.”

-Sarah Martin, President of the Future Vegans of America

CRESTVIEW HOSTS FARMERS MARKET

Next Saturday will see the first ever farmers market hosted on the grounds of Crestview Academy. Independent vendors will come from far and wide to pedal their organic produce to the local population. Sarah Martin, President of the Future Vegans of America and orchestrator of the event was giddy in announcing, “We think this will really bring attention to Crestview as an economically progressive institution. Obviously, we’re very excited to be embracing a return to localized food crops that may smell like crap, but aren't crap." Yum!

Barry Pogues, sophomore Celtic Dance Team Captain and exchange student from Dublin who has yet to wash his socks since arriving in Crestview was excited to possibly get his first taste of a durian fruit. Revered in Southeast Asia as the "king of fruits," durian is relatively unknown in the United States. Famed naturalist Alfred Russel Wallace described its flesh as "a rich custard highly flavoured with almonds." This large fruit can be recognized by its thorn-covered husk and pungent odor, which has been likened to the smell of gym socks or rotten onions. That may not sound appetizing, but for those who enjoy it, it's a thick slice of heaven. Pogues, no doubt, is in for a treat.

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

"The grass is always greener on the other side." 

--- Some Undercrust not Affiliated with Crestview

CRESTVIEW WINS ACCOLADES FOR LANDSCAPING

The one reputation that precedes Crestview Academy is its impeccably gorgeous landscaping - revered nation-wide. The grounds have been recognized this week for their outstanding beauty by Over-Prioritized Lawn magazine, taking special note of the Jack Nicklaus newly designed 18 hole golf course. And would you expect anything less from a school that boasts the highest landscaper to student ratio in the country?

Crestview has long been known as one of the most beautiful prep schools in the country, and this will only help to solidify that reputation. “I am the best landscaper on the planet,” ranted Jesus Harper ,one of the many school’s grounds keepers, before pushing over his lawnmower and charging us. “You want to tell me I’m wrong?! Go ahead! Just try it!”  

The fact that all "Keep Off Grass" signs that had previously adorned the green lawns had been removed recently has already shown a positive and uplifting impact on the student body. But the school, which is recovering from its recent tragedy, can still really use the morale boost of this accolade.

SUPPORT CHILDREN OF FALLEN PATRIOTS

We at Crestview Academy understand loss. Many of our Alums served our country so we can be free to make fun of anything and everything under the sun. We laugh at it in our movies, but we're deadly serious about education. The Children of Fallen Patriots Foundation ensures that kids who've lost a loved one to war get go to college successfully. They may not have the means to attend Crestview Academy. But the Bad Kids of Crestview Academy are now selling these unique T-Shirts in honor of Ben Browder's directorial debut of Where the Bad Kids Go, to support this cause.

NO ROCKS OR DECORATIONS OR ANYTHING

"Just, like, three goldfish."

--Samir Swapnil, Senior

CRESTVIEW'S NEW AQUARIUM

It was announced today that Crestview Academy would be investing a portion of its surplus into an on-campus aquarium, in order to give students something peaceful and soothing to reflect upon between classes instead of dwelling on stuff like when the next kid will be "sentenced" to detention. Some say the 3 gallon aquarium is disappointing, considering the Academy’s massive financial surplus. “It’s not even going to be saltwater fish.” Said Senior Student Samir Swapnil over Skype while visiting his family's textile factory in Mumbai, India. “And there are no rocks or decorations or anything. I saw the write-up on it. Just, like, three goldfish.”

So Sorry Samir Swapnil. This reporter has obtained an exclusive photograph of the aquarium. And not only did we spot more than three goldfish, we noticed some rocks and very tasteful decorations for the little fishies. Oh what the hell... When school starts in the fall, Crestview students will be able to weigh in on it right away and decide what they want, as the aquarium has already found a home in the Great Hall entrance into school.

-- Steven Drake

WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE NUMERO UNO

"We have the money and talent, in other areas too, if you know what I mean. Whatever it takes to be numero uno."

--Donovan Marcy, Tennis Coach

FIELD HOCKEY IS LESS GAY THAN TENNIS

Without a doubt, the one thing that defines Crestview Academy is its relentless domination over its state and national tennis competition. And that legacy has been further secured in the school’s tennis team ranking number 1 in the nation.

“I really hate Tennis,” says Angela Thomas, Captain of the Field Hockey Team. “It's so gay. I don’t even know why you’re asking me about it.” Still, others are more adamant about the Tennis team’s success, claiming that they will surely maintain the title for many seasons to come.  “We’ve had a long tradition of excellence here,” says team coach, Donovan Marcy. “And if we can continue to give our student athletes an unfair advantage over opponents without any recourse, we'll continue to do so. If we have to pay off officials, we'll do so. We have the money and talent, in other areas too, if you know what I mean. Whatever it takes to be numero uno."

FOUR YEARS LATER

"What a great story! And finally a female lead! I really hope this means Hollywood will coming knocking on our doors again."

--Buffy Binghamton, Sophomore Drama Club President

TRAGEDY RETURNS TO CRESTVIEW

Four years ago, Crestview Academy suffered the unthinkable tragedy in the loss of several of its own during a Saturday detention. The scene baffled and devastated Crestview students and staff. Now, tragedy has struck Crestview Academy once more. It’s hard to believe that such a thing could happen twice, especially at the most prestigious and well-esteemed school in the country as Crestview Academy is always most certain to publicize. If there is one thing you can say about Crestview, it's the fact that whatever they set their minds to doing, they make sure they do it the best. This time around, instead of using nail guns, asthma inhalers, axes, and crutches, the psycho evidently upped it a notch by using many new and exciting killing technologies, in addition to the old reliable flamethrower.

CREEPY STATUE NOT WANTED HERE

"Oh to Hell with it... That statue was creepy as shit."

--Anonymous Crestview Alumnus

"APACHE KILLS THE SNAKE" IS STILL MISSING

The iconic Crestview library statue has long been missing, and clues have gone cold on the case. It disappeared at the scene of the Saturday Detention massacre in 2010, and while police have investigated the situation, still have no leads. “How the hell could that thing be missing?” Asks Jane Sething, a student at Crestview. “It’s like 20 feet tall. It’s kind of a hard thing to miss, wouldn’t you agree?” Indeed we would! The statue is likely somewhere on campus, and we hope it will one day be recovered, and replaced in the school library, as originally intended by the Board of Trustees. But come to think of it... why? But as one Crestview Alumnus said, "Oh to Hell with it... That statue was creepy as shit." 

--Steven Drake

NEW DEAN AT CRESTVIEW

Headmaster Nash at Crestview Academy has just selected his new Dean of Students at the school. Dr. Nuwage Knight will now be taking over the position of Dean as well as Guidance Counselor, and will be bringing a cooler approach, which will undoubtedly mean better days for this troubled school. In the past, Crestview has experienced some definite difficulty in its management of students. Some believed that this was an issue that was being tackled by previous Dean and Guidance Counselor, Dr. Dashing Day. Dr. Day, However, had a thing for rorschach, younger girls, and fame, that ended his tenure prematurely.

"Dr. Knight will keep her head."

-- Headmaster Nicely Nash

UNDERCRUST DEFENSE DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE

"But I'm innocent!"

--Matt Clark, Undercrust Psycho

PSYCHO KILLER CONVICTED

Formerly alleged killer of five of his peers and Dean/Guidance Counselor, Dr. Day, at a Saturday detention at Crestview Academy, Matt Clark has now been convicted of some sort of murder where the guy who did it gets locked away in an insane asylum.

Clark has protested relentlessly of his innocence. Authorities have referred to these protests as, “A bunch of crap,” as well as, “The opposite of true.” The vast majority of students and staff at Crestview seem deeply apathetic to the whole situation. Sophomore, Wallace Walton, III, went on to say "What do you expect from poor people? They all have mental disorders."

BRUNETTE LOOK WORKS FOR WILKES

"Blondes may have more fun. But Brunettes win the Senate. And this has been a lot of fun! I mean besides the kids and everything."

--U.S. Senator Wilhelmina Wilkes

TWO YEARS AFTER TRAGEDY, WILKES CELEBRATES VICTORY

It’s been a long, somewhat tragic road for former Governor Wilkes, who’s daughter died in massacre at Crestview Academy a little over two years ago. But things seem to have finally reached fruition for the politician, who has secured her seat with the US Senate.

Wilkes has always pursued her political career with relentless focus and determination, and it’s not at all surprising to see what’s now transpired after putting on some glasses and going back to her roots literally.

THROW AWAY THE KEY

"You might as well throw away the key. That psycho will never be released if I have my way. Oh yeah, I do."

--Governor Wilhelmina Wilkes

NOT A CHANCE IN HELL

Approached for commentary on the long-term situation of her daughter’s killer, Governor Wilkes has decisively vowed that Matt Clark will never be released. Wilkes went on to assert, "If he thinks he'll ever drive that bad ass car again, he's highly mistaken." 

Wilkes was clearly overly emotional in her commentary, and will undoubtedly back up her words with more over-the-top acting. The story of Governor Wilkes’ rise to power has been long and impressive to say the least. From her first run for office, to now eyeing the Senate seat, she always get what she wants. Money talks.

BETTER OFF DEAD

“I think it’s safe to say that Crestview Academy is better off without them."

-- Sandy McDenning, Senior Graduating in top 10% in Class of 2011

FIVE STUDENTS REMEMBERED

The five students who were discovered dead after a Saturday detention at Crestview Academy, were memorialized by their peers during the school’s graduation ceremony. It was a thoroughly emotional memorial that clearly resonated with all in attendance.

“They’re gone, but not forgotten,” said Sandy McDenning, a graduate at the day’s ceremony. “I think it’s safe to say that Crestview Academy is better off without them. And I wouldn't have made it in the top 10% if it weren't for that deadly detention. So it's all good."

WRONG PLACE WRONG TIME

"It wasn't me."

--Matt Clark, Psycho

THE RISE AND FALL OF MATT CLARK

Matt Clark began his academic career with such promise. He scored well on tests, was well-liked, liked to work on carburetors and shit. And even with a tendency to find himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, he seemed motivated enough from the beginning to succeed. One of Clark's favorite excuses in the past was "It wasn't me!" And maybe it was excuses like that that got him into Crestview. But those same excuses didn't keep him out of detention. And now it does no use in keeping him out of an asylum.

Flash forward to the scene of a five-person homicide at a Crestview Academy Saturday detention, for which Matt was alleged and later convicted as the culprit. How did this happen? Where does a seeming good undercrust kid go so bad? Is there a psycho looming in every one of us? Or just the poor kids? 

--Steven Drake

WE'RE GOING TO BE FAMOUS

"Who knew just a few murders would make us so famous? I'm like totally crossing my fingers for more cool detentions now that I'm in Upper School."

--Cassidy Cane, Freshman

CRESTVIEW IS GOING ALL HOLLYWOOD

When the tragedy at Crestview was announced, the first thing everyone thought was, “Ick.” The second was, “Hollywood.” And sure enough, Hollywood has come calling after the film rights. The film rights have now been sold, and the next step is setting the production schedule to recreate that tragic day at Crestview Academy. "Who knew just a few murders would make us so famous." Freshman, Cassidy Cane, continued enthusiastically, "I'm like totally crossing my fingers for more cool detentions now that I'm in upper school. Crossing my fingers." Some say a film about these events should not be made, while others say that it’s a story that needs to be told, if only as a way to capitalize off of other people's misfortunes. Crestview Academy will be using the proceeds from the film to help promote the school as well as fund the new gun club.